I laid in bed last night and wrote a post in my head about how maybe I just don't have the "mommy gene." I do this a lot. In fact, if you could hear my thoughts on any given day, what you would hear is me creating posts, the vast majority of which will never see the light of day either because I forget about them or they just don't have the juice. When I woke up this morning, a good night's sleep under my belt, I was still rolling the words around in my head. Thinking about my mommyness.
I kept ruminating on our trip to the zoo yesterday with a friend of mine and her son, who is just a few months younger than Sophie. While he sat peacefully in his stroller, pointing and commenting about the animals, Sophie spent the entire day racing around while I followed her with the empty stroller, screeching, "NO, Get Back Here, Stop, Get Down From There, Get OUT of the WATER, Do NOT Touch That, DO NOT CLIMB INTO THE CAGE!" Lather, rinse, repeat.
There were a lot of times where I just let her go. Where I allowed her to run off. Where I didn't say anything because I was just so tired of saying no.
And then there were all the times where MY daughter ran up to my friend and put her arms up to be held or reached for my friend's hand, so she could walk along side her. Neither of these things she did to me. All day.
All of which left me feeling a little OFF. Left me wondering if I'm missing some critical "mom" element. The rest of the day didn't really open the door on that one. I'm not even talking about the bigger, more abstract question of whether to have more children, but the far more immediate and scary question of am I enough to be a good mom to the one I have? I laid in bed staring at the lights on the ceiling thinking about this while I waited for sleep to come.
But then I woke up this morning, and my first thought was of my daughter. She was downstairs with Neil. Ever so faintly I could hear her voice. The high pitched squeals of her laughter. I longed for her. I wanted nothing more than for her to wrap her arms around me and give me one of her big, open-mouthed, wet kisses. And I thought that maybe I do have what it takes. That being a good mom isn't an always ON thing. That some days I will look at the pint sized being that has taken up residence in our house and not have the first idea what to do with or about her.
Despite that, I will do what needs done. I will make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. But I will keep on doing.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
PS - See that widget up in the top right there? Scroll up. Yes, that one. I've been nominated for a Mobbie, so can you be a dear and go vote for me? Every day between now and October 9? Hey, thanks!