Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Just Another Day In Paradise

Sleep eludes me this night. She is a fickle tease that whispers in my ear and caresses my brow but will not draw me in to her embrace.

A sinus headache has ravaged my skull since Monday. No amount of painkillers or sinus medication seems capable of getting rid of it. It is a vine that runs through my head. I can cut off the tendrils, but the roots are buried deep. If I could only find the source, I could rip it out. But it hides.

Finally. Finally, the tired wins.

I am awakened after only two hours of sleep by the wails of my daughter. As usual, she wakes with a shout rather than a whimper. She does not go gently. I go into her room and change her diaper and nurse her. Usually, this will put her back to sleep. But this night, it does not work.

When I lean down to lay her back in her crib, she begins to cry. I know my girl, and I know that she will cry all night if I leave her alone. She draws on reserves deeper than mine. So I pick her back up and bounce around on my feet for awhile, cooing and shushing her. We repeat this, I put her down, she starts crying, I pick her up and walk with her, for an hour and a half. If I sit down, she squirms and tries to get down onto the ground, presumably to play, so I don't sit down. I stand. It is 3am. My head is pounding. I have only had two hours of sleep. I can't even sit down.

Finally, she goes back to sleep. It is 4am. I drag myself into bed. Despite exhaustion so overwhelming it is a struggle to put one foot in front of the other, I can not fall right back to sleep. The pounding won't stop. The last time I look at the clock it is 4:42. The next time I see it is 5:58, when the screaming starts afresh. I whimper and pull the covers over my head, but that doesn't drown out the crying so I get up.

Hours later, she finally goes down for a nap. I waste precious minutes doing chores and eating lunch before I go upstairs to lay down for a nap. By the time I doze off, she has been asleep for 45 minutes. When she wakes up 25 minutes later, I cry. I have only had 4 hours of sleep, total. I go straight into the bathroom and start the shower. While it tears at my soul to hear her cry, I just can't take it. I stand with my head under the water until it goes cold. It drowns out the sound of my child's unhappiness.

By the time Neil gets home, I am on the edge. I make dinner while he watches our child. I need those minutes of solitude. My head hurts. My heart hurts.

I finally get Sophie into bed. Mercifully, she does not fight me. But the night is not over. Neil and I argue. I don't know why. I take my frustrations out on him. Who else do I have to blame? I can't stop crying. I can't stop crying. Neil holds me while I shake. I am adrift.

At 7:45 I take two Excedrin PM and go to bed. I am asleep in minutes and do not wake until Sophie does at 5am. Despite 9 hours of sleep, I am still hopelessly tired. Luckily, the usual tricks work and she goes back to sleep until 7. While I am not whole, I am better. Sleep is my fix.

A new day begins. This one must be better. It must. It must. It must.


  1. Oh hon, I hope you feel better. Not sleeping is the worst, especially when you don't feel well to begin with.

    And Sudafed.... take sudafed. It should help some.

  2. Oh darlin, you poor thing. I have been there many a night/day. Lack of sleep does a number on your mind and personality, I know. I truly hope tomorrow will be better.

  3. My thoughts are with you :[ I'm so sorry to read that you are going through this. It sounds absolutely exhausting.

  4. Aww hun...I am so so sorry.
    I have been there myself and can understand how desperate you must feel.

    It WILL get better.
    You WILL get sleep.
    Your headache WILL subside.

    Do you have someone who can watch Sophie for a few hours so you can sleep?

    When hubby gets home from work, you go to bed and have a nap. He can handle it for a few hours while you rest. You can't take care of anyone else if you are not working right.


  5. That horrible, wonderful fickle tease... I know her well.

  6. aww I'm so very sorry... but the crying does not hurt her if you need to let her cry.
    I totally understand the hurt you feel I hope you feel better today... hugs

  7. I am sorry...I have felt your pain. It's not easy when you're sick and all you want to do is rest--it can drive you crazy. I hope you are better today, my friend! If I was there, I'd play w/Sophie so you could nap! :)

  8. Aw, girrrl, send Sophie over for a playdate with Xander for the day. I think we should arrange a betrothal anyway =) Hope you get some rest!

  9. UGH. I hope you were able to get some sleep last night... and today is going better!

    I've been nursing a migraine since Tuesday afternoon... I'm about ready to stick a fork in my eyeball... just to take my mind of the pounding in my head.

  10. Oh I have so lived that. I so know this pain. I feel for you, I really, really do.

  11. That sounds familiar. Even the argument. I hope you get that sleep, and that Sophie gets sleep too. Do something especially nice for yourself today, too.

  12. Hope the new day IS better. It's easy to see how sleep deprivation is a form of torture, huh?

  13. What I would give to be able to go back in time and have a site like this to vent! Gurl you know I went through days/nights like this x 3=) Sophie is a very strong willed child just like her momma is except you are in big girl panties. I pray that your sinus infection clears up and that you get some much needed rest. Plz don't feel guilty. Remember I am just a phone call away if you ever need to vent...I mean it!! Love you-ALove

  14. Wow, that was written much like a novel. A romance novel, only not romance but motherhood. Powerful! Loved it! Hope you get some good sleep soon. I so don't dream of those days sleep.

  15. I have been there. I have lived those nights. Many times. I am so so sorry. Please go to the could have a sinus infection and antibodics will wipe it out.

    Hold on!!! And know that you are not alone!

  16. you poor dear - have you tried bringing her into bed with you? That always worked for me with my kids!!

  17. Oh, those nights and days just suck. I hope you feel better soon, and get to rest.

  18. Oh Dear God, I've been there! The good news is that I survived...and YOU will too! And just about the point that enough time passes to take the edge off the memories, you'll turn up pregnant again. It happens to the best of us! (please don't slap me!)

  19. Awww...hang in there hon. I hope things are better :)

  20. I'm catching up on my reading so I've just read your more recent post. I know that uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability after posting something very close and emotional, but, we really have all been there. That is why I started reading blogs, for those early morning hours when I couldn't go back to sleep and I needed to know I wasn't alone.
    This will pass, but it's so incredibly challenging while you are going through it.


Give me some sugar, baby!