Some days I am impossibly lonely. Some days the choice to be a stay at home mom weighs on me. How could I have thought that this was something I would be good at, something I would be happy doing? No one tells you that spending day after day with only a baby for company is so hard.
There are a thousand books and none of them tell me what I need. How do I make it through the day with my sanity intact? To everyone, I say I love staying home with my daughter, and that is the absolute truth. But only half of it. I just don't know how to reconcile the other half. The half that says I miss daily adult interaction and the stimulation that my job offered.
This blog and my blogland friends do a pretty good job of filling in for some of that but writing posts and traded emails don't quite fill in for the challenge of a new proposal or doing my beloved NYT crossword with coworkers over lunch.
I glamorize my memories, I know, making my life before seem idyllic but the truth is there were many times where I was just as frustrated. Where long hours caused friction between Neil and I. When things went fabulously wrong and I thought I was going to lose my job.
I wouldn't trade these days with my daughter for anything, though. Despite the doubts and the fears and the loneliness, being with my daughter means everything to me. I will get through this time, just as I have gotten through others. We're getting into the good stuff now, how could I miss it?