I had my annual exam today. I should start this by saying that I actually love my Ob/Gyn. I've been going to him for 8 years. He's been super supportive through some rough patches and a great encouragement in the good years, including the birth of my daughter. He has been nothing less than an excellent physician. He tells me I'm pretty and pinches my cheek, and not in a pervy way. Despite this, going for my annual visit is just not fun. No matter how nice the doctor, how gentle his touch, it feels like an invasion and it doesn't really get any easier the older I get. But beyond that, there are a few things that drive me a little nutso.
1. Waiting - First in the waiting room and then in the exam room. I know it is impossible for them to keep exactly, to the minute, on schedule, and maybe if I were waiting for, say, a massage, or cake, I would be less on edge, but the minutes just drag by.
2. The Paper Gown - First off, I always rip it when I am putting it on, so it's more like I'm wearing two shoulder covers, and secondly, could the thing be more scratchety? I'm betting these wonders are not super cheap, so why can't they be made out of the same material as fancy paper napkins? That, I would be happy to wear.
3. The Vaginas and Uteri - They're everywhere. Pictures on the walls, plastic models on the tables and counters. I suppose they're used for explanatory purposes, but I could do with seeing a little less of my insides.
4. Peeing in the Cup - No matter how much I've drunk in preparation, I always get stagefright. My bladder, that lets go when I even think about sneezing, gives me the big thumbs down and I wind up hovering and worrying that I won't be able to produce the needed 1 to 2 ounces. Then when it finally does get going, my aim leaves a LOT to be desired. I understand a woman's anatomy (thanks to all of the diagrams) and I still don't know where the pee actually comes out.
5. The Magazines - I don't go to the doctor to read O and Harper's Bazaar. I want the guilty pleasure stuff I won't buy for myself: People, Us Weekly, heck, I'll even take a Reader's Digest. I mean who doesn't love Humor in Uniform?
6. Getting Weighed - Why, oh why, do we have to go through this torturous ritual. I swear the nurse puts her foot on the scale behind me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
7. Stinky Feet - I always worry that my feet will smell. That my doctor will be doing his business, just inches from my piggies, and he will be overcome by the stench. He will then put a black mark in my file and I will be blacklisted from Gynos everywhere, a la Elaine on Seinfeld.
8. The Surly Phlebotomist - I'm not sure if it's just the ladies I have encountered or if the somewhat gruesome nature of the job gets to people after a while, but the bloodletters always seem so cranky.
9. Pharmaceutical Company Free Gifts: The card holder sponsored by Vagimel (wasn't he a character on the Smurfs) or the calendar by Hysterigard. Seriously, who comes up with these names?
10. The Aftergoo. How can I put this delicately? Doctor requires lubrication. Lubricating material doesn't disappear after its purpose is completed. Is that non-graphic enough for you guys? All I can say is, yuck.
What's your least favorite thing about going to the doctor? (Lula, you don't count because you have the perfect doctor!)
Have a great weekend!